It has been 5 days sense I followed up on my A-Z posting so I guess I better jump on it today and make up for my lax writing. Opps. I know I know! I committed to a letter a day and have fallen short of the mark but the truth is.. isn't that almost always the case in life. I mean I judge myself on my INTENTIONS not my actions. I mean I INTENDED to do a daily posting with an alphabet as my theme in addition to a daily post about my progress personally... HEHEHEH... Lets just say even with my best intentions hat on I have fallen short... more then once.
This lesson reminds me again and again about forgiveness and guarding of my heart towards my husband, our marriage and the true ability to have restoration and reconciliation. In the past when my husband said he would do something and failed or come up short I tucked it away as a "hurt" as a badge of his failure of not doing what he SAID he would do. I very rarely took into account that SHIT happens and my husband NEVER set out to fail.. I mean really WHO sets out to fail. But what did happen was the weight of my disappointment began to be a heavy burden.. I was told this by my husband but I did not have the ears or heart to hear his words and take action until much later, but never too late.
I ignored my husbands pain because I deemed my hurt BIGGER then his. I mean I was carrying my hurt and pain it was ok to ignore his... right? WRONG!!!! The division of our marriage began with small cracks that with time and more weight deepened into gaping holes that allowed debris to fall upon our marriage and family. That is not to say that the debris can not be cleared up and the holes mended.. In fact I have the utmost faith that this is EXACTLY what is happening right now. My husband and I have what feels like a ton of waste on the backs of our marriage.
Heres my analogy. Weight loss. Ill take my own personal experiences. I had 80+lbs to loss, yes really! When I began this journey it was and still is a challenge. No one could tell from the outside really that any changes were happening in the beginning. In fact I couldn't often tell if anything was happening. I mean I changed my eating habits, ramped up my exercise, stopped drinking soda for the most part, made better choices, stopped eating out so much. I mean we all know the story.. But at first I was frustrated beyond belief!! My scale had the nerve to GO UP!!!!! Then down on a yo-yo expedition for weeks and then it would stall, and worse it was ONLY a pound or 2. I mean I was putting in ALL this hard work denying myself and for WHAT!!! ONLY 1 pound.. PLEASE!!! I threw in my towel more times then I could count and resigned myself to just being fluffy! I mean they had cute clothes for fluffy ladies...
But I kept coming back to the fact that I was not happy with my mess... So I would try again. and again. and again. Until one day I looked up and I had LOST 40lbs and someone NOTICED!!!!!!!!! Someone who had not seen me in a LONG time said "You look great you have lost a LOT of weight!" and I bout feel over... I mean I knew I had lost some weight.. but I had not realized how much. Once someone mentioned it to me it had to then seep in.. And once it became an idea I had to learn how to adjust to it. Until finally I had to buy new clothes and wear a new size, and look at myself differently.. I mean I am the same ME.. But not the same me...
I still have about 40lbs to lose.. and I am at that point again of NOT seeing any changes.. But I have not given up on my goal. I am in it for the long haul..
The same goes for my marriage... I may not SEE the outwards effects of the work that is being done on the inside but I KNOW that there is work being done.. I know that MY marriage is in the process of a transformation and I Know that it will be a NEW marriage but the same marriage. I know that in the end GODs best for me is my husband, my family and my children together. Sure there are days when I revert into sadness, anger, shame, pain, mourning and wallowing.. But I pick myself back up in time and keep up the faith... I hope you can do the same!
No comments:
Post a Comment