Musing of the past has come to an end... To allow new things to come to pass

In This post. I was deep in thought about a situation that was weighing very heavy on my spirit. I have found peace. I am not obligated to stand for either of them! After reading and re-reading my post and the bible verses I have come to the conclusion that NEITHER T1 or T2 are what I will be standing for.


I once heard that a sign of successful people are lists. My brother is one of those people. He makes a list of things that he wants big or small and crosses them off as he obtains them. I admired him for his list. One day he bought me a small note book to begin my own list. For the past year occasionally I have done just that, made lists.

The day before yesterday and yesterday I began a new list. I listed all the qualities I would like to have in a spouse. GOD will bless me and my children with a man who is in accordance with his BEST for us. To be able to recognize him though I thought I better make a list.... Because how will I know what I am looking for if I have not thought it out. I guess its like an ingredients list.

For every actin there is a REaction

Despite my decision to file for divorce needing to be done I still feel. When I have feelings I am not good at expressing them except when I sleep. I talk in my sleep... and not a regular talking. I express my fears and pains. That is when I can sleep. For the past few days I have not been sleeping well, I have began to talk in my sleep, I have not been eating well... THATs new..

I know this will pass. I know it will get better, I know sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. I know that I can make it through this. I know that I am strong, kind, wonderful, deserving.

Thank you for another day.

You Have Freedom Of Choice NOT Freedom Of Consequence.

I filed for Divorce on the 27th of December. He was served the same day. I am sad.. I am anxious. I am hurt. I am relieved. I am excited. I look forward to the future. I am going to move forward into a new year with healing and peace. I refuse to begin yet another year where I was. I choose to begin the healing process and to put down the hurt, anger, pain, frustration, disappointment. It is no longer a load I wish to carry.

Christmas came and went. My ex did not call our children, text them or make any effort to see them. He lives less then 15 minutes from our home... Our daughter sees him about 24 hours in 1 week. My 16 year old son has reached out to him by text, phone calls, FB he has ignored him for the most part. My x has been the only father my son has had for the past 11 years. For 10 years he has been there.... Now he has chosen to throw my son aside like a piece of trash. My son, or in his words HIS son... He is no longer MY son though I have been there for EVER moment of his life of the past 10+ years. I have been informed I no longer am needed nor welcomed. I have gone to ever Dr. appointment, ever counseling appointment, ever school function, I have picked him up when he has been out of pocket at school, I have gotten almost every phone call, I have cleaned up his throw up and nursed him when he was sick. I have fought for him when he needed it in school and any where else. I have loved him and held him close to my heart even if I did not birth him from my womb.. But now I don't count. Now I have to text him to have communication with him.

I understand anger and pain, I made a choice to have an affair, I made a choice to hurt those I love. I made a choice... But the freedom from the consequences are not an option. I am sorry that I made the choices I have made that has contributed to where we are. I am sorry for the pain my children are suffering... I am sorry for the pain and hurt I am feeling. My GOD continue to place his guiding hand in our lives. I know that healing and restoration of goodness is in progress...

Life has a way of surprising me with GREAT things.

Our last Christmas in our house

Our house is for sale and the sale will be final soon, like in the next 4 months at most but more along the lines of the end of Feb beginning of Mar 12. Although I was really sad by the idea of having to move I have come to a place of acceptance and even excitement! I am getting the ability to have a new journey or at least a new bend in the road. I have to opportunity to purchase ALL new things and I do mean everything! Not having anything after the shock is liberating. I have the opportunity to purchase new things and the excitement of this is great! What wonderful new things am I going to experience in the coming year! What wonderful people will I meet, and things will I see, places I will go?! I dont know but I am open, happy and willing to let life and GOD bless me!

So today is Christmas eve and I baked a wonderful ham, roasted potato wedges, and made some mixed veggies to celebrate the holiday as well as our journey! I am filled with happiness and I am passing that on to my children.

Happy Holidays!!!

Interesting updates..I filed for child support & Divorce is next

Early last week I filed for Child Support. I hated to do this not because my children DONT deserve his support but because as adults I felt like we should be able to communicate our children's needs as 2 people who had lived together and loved each other, as 2 people who has spent the last 11 years of our lives knowing each other, as 2 adults who had been in a relationship(not always good but committed) for the past 11 years. I never in a million years would I have thought to find myself in the situation I am in now.

My husband has chosen to ignore our daughters needs on several occasions.. More occasions then I care to admit. Over the past year plus of her life he has gradually done less and less for her until recently when I requested diapers from him he waited 9 days to respond to my request. A request that stated she had only 8 diapers left... I am beyond saddened... if you had told me the store of the past 2 years 3 years ago I would have bet you my life that it would NOT happen to me and my husband would NEVER do the things to me or our children that he has been doing.

I am so sad to see our children suffering, I am so sad to see a person I have loved and respected fall to such a hard place. I am so sad to acknowledge that I have committed the acts that I have committed that helped place our marriage into this place. I acknowledge my affair and my attitude contributed to the break down of our marriage. I am only sorry to know that he has found it to hard to forgive and work through it, I am sad that for the sake of our family and children he has chosen this path for himself.

Either way he has chosen to move on.. He has chosen to continue to disrespect me and our marriage to a point where I have found myself at peace with letting him go as he has requested.

At this point I am DONE and I need to begin my new year in a new place. With love I am letting him go on his way as he has requested. With love I am letting him go so that he can have the life he requested because that is what love is in my world.

The other part of me is OUTRAGED at the pain and hurt and I want it to stop. I have had enough and I am saying arnold!

Prayerfully I have an appointment for Monday to begin the paperwork and Tuesday I will be at the courthouse to file.

Musing of late... Continued Part 2

Dec 2010 I see T1 again and it is hard to admit how nice it was to see him again, but I think nothing much of it and times moves on. We do not speak again and have no contact. I continue to be separated from T2.

Nov 2011 rolls around and its the beginning of the Holiday season. T1's mother stays in contact with me and we have spoken a few times through the year. I call T1's mothers house and T1 happens to be there. We speak briefly and he asks for an update on my situation. I inform him I am still separated and living apart. T1 advises me that he wish someone would have talked to him and told him what a horrible mistake he was making when he and I divorced, he stated that in time T2 will feel the same way even if it is not happening now, but then he goes on to say "his loss is my gain."

I explain to him that he knows me motto, don't GO back. I have done all I could do in the past and I have always felt once I walked away to stay away. As I began to do counseling and take my medications I was confronted with my closet of skeletons. One of them being the love I have for T1.

Sense Nov 2011 T1 and I have been talking through text and rarely phone. We have discussed what his desire is for a future. Where he sees us as a family and what he wants. He has made it very very clear that his desire is marriage. He has made it clear that he wants to be with me and have a family life. He has made it very clear that he wants a life time with me.

I have found myself TORN to the depths of my soul! WHO do I stand for? What do I stand for. My heart says STAND for my 1st marriage as that is where my first commitment began, he did not walk away from me I walked away from him. He has not stated that he doesn't want me.

The bible says that there would be NO wrong on my part from allowing a man to walk away from me that is a non believer.

1 Corinthians 7:10-15

7:10  But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband

7:11  (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.

7:12  But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her.

7:13  And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away.

7:14  For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy.

7:15  Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such {cases,} but God has called us to peace. This is where I find myself. Musing on the word that states very clearly. Allow him to leave and live in peace.

Musing of late...

I was married before. I was in the relationship from 14 until 21 meaning we dated. We were married for 2 of those years. I divorced him, he did not want a divorce. He had an affair, or maybe I should say we separated stating we were going to divorce, he had sex with someone else, that end in a child. He and I got back together and neither of us knew of the child until after she was born and was over a year old. We ended up divorcing for many reasons, the child included.  ... Its amazing how life has a way of repeating itself. I make no excuses or him. I had many of my own problems. In 1 year we separated 15 times...

I was often known to fly off the handle, I was impatient, I was immature, I was hurt and hurting. I can only speak on ME and where I was and who I was. I make no excuses for his behaviors because they were choices. But for myself I made really bad choices and my behaviors were less then pleasing... and that is putting it pleasantly.

(1st husband from here on will be called THING 1 or T1 and 2nd husband will be called THING 2 or T2)


Now here is where my musing has come in... I went into a 2nd marriage very soon after my 1st divorce never knowing what I know now regarding standing...

Through an interesting turn of fate Thing1 has approached me and stated that he is interested in marriage.... again.. That although we have now been separated and divorced for the past 12 years almost he has been waiting for a chance to try again and win my heart.... I am speechless and stunned to say the least....

A little more background. When we divorced over the years T1 and I have had little to NO contact. In fact we have had almost no contact in the past 7 years. Meaning we have spoken in passing perhaps a few times... We have seen each other just as few times.

Dec 2010 I was living at my moms, having moved out of my home and separating from T2 in Aug 2010. I had changed my cell phone number, my email address and I had just had my daughter Sept 2010. Over the years my eldest son whom I had with T1 spends Thanksgiving and Christmas with T1 and his family but those arrangements have always been made with T1's mother.

Ok ok back to the story.

I was laying in the bed and my brother came in to the room and said "Thing 1 is here". I laughed because that was next to impossible. Long story short, T1 was standing in my mothers home.
A little background. I am a stable person. I had the same phone number, email address, and address for 7 years until recently. I am not one to fall off the map and I stay in contact with others. T1's mother was VERY concerned for us and had sent T1 to my moms house to find out where we were.

We spoke briefly and I informed him that I was separated, living with my mom, I had just had a baby and I was in school. He picked up our son and left.. That was it.

This is getting long so I guess I better make a new post...

Ambivalent is where I have been

Ambivalent -Psychology . of or pertaining to the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.


I have found that I am in a place of ambivalence and to be honest I am uncomfortable being there some days and other days I am just fine. I am trying really really hard to take each day... well daily. I have noticed that I spend a LOT of my time either laminating about the past and what was or the opposite which is worrying and laminating over the future... When in reality I am LIVING today and only right now. Yesterday is GONE and tomorrow well I am not sure I will be here to experience that. As for fear... Well fear is of my own making. The things I CHOOSE to worry about may or may not come to pass and if they DO or DO NOT is neither here nor there. They will be what they will be. 


I was given a wonderful complement. I am at peace.. I look at peace. I am happy that the outside me is getting better. That means what is in me is getting better as well. Maybe it is medication.. Maybe it is counseling, maybe it is time and healing. What ever it is I am happy to be experiencing it. 


Because when its all said and done I just want to be happy being where I am.