Its ok to say this is hard and to ask for help

I have not posted because I have been in a funk of sorts. I am tired. I am feeling hopeless, I have found desperation to be my companion more then I would like to admit, but admitting it I am. Its a challenge to keep focused on a promise when what I see is so disheartening. When I think about what the situation is I know that I can NOT give up. I am fighting for something bigger something WORTH my fight. If I had a person trying to beat my child up or steal my car I would fight back with all the tools I had. I would ask for assistance and I would stand strong. My marriage, my family, my husband, my children are PRICELESS. There is nothing that I would not do for them when it comes to saving our family.

I believe in the commitment I gave to my children when we married as well as to the children I have had sense then. That is not to say that at times I don't feel like giving up and running for the hills because I do.

Financial challenges, loneliness, anger, frustration, doubt are all emotions that assault me on a regular basis. I am HUMAN, I have feelings, I want to give up and run FAR away. I feel disappointed and betrayed but I need to own my own actions and my own place in this situation

I have contributed to where I am and I have to work on making me the best person I can be. I have recently, last night, gotten sick. I know that this is stress. I know that I am in need of help so I am getting it. I have decided to medicate myself in addition to going to counseling.

R is for Resilient

Resilient

1. springing back; rebounding.
2. recovering readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyant.
3. returning to the original form or position after being bent,compressed, or stretched.

Thanks to my back ground I am a bit of a optimist or perhaps that is just really who I am. I believe that I have a great amount of resilience and I hope to pass that on to my children. I want to believe that my resilience will and does help me through the challenges I face daily allowing me the opportunity to learn from my past challenges and to formulate a better mode of operation for the next event. 

If I can learn that each day is a new opportunity for me to spring back even 1 step further then I am today I feel like I have accomplished something. I have heard many times "I feel like I take 3 steps forward only to fall 2 steps back" in my mind this is NOT such a bad thing for several reasons.

First I know have some experience! 2nd I am not starting where I was before, I have an advantage as I am still one step closer to my goal and one step further away from my past challenges.

Q is for Quiet

I have found that my mind is quieter then it has been in a while. Thank you for the outlet to release the noise.

P is for Pursuit/ Pursue

Pursuit

1. an effort to secure or attain; quest
2. to strive to gain; seek to attain or accomplish.

Tonight I was flipping through the channels and I passed over the movie "The Pursuit of Happiness" I have never seen this movie but as I flipped through the channels it pulled me in. I caught the movie at the point when the main actor asks he question, are we always in the pursuit of happiness? Is there ever a point when we OBTAIN the thing that we are pursuing? In this case happiness... Now I know this is only a movie but I could not help but ponder this question. 

Have I always been in pursuit of something and unable to find happiness in the things I had? Is it time for me to ACCEPT the happiness and other things I have obtained verses the constant pursuit of something else. Is the pursuit of something and indication of unsatisfaction in the things you have? 

I am currently in the pursuit of restoration... I wonder if I should be content and HAPPY where I am before I can find happiness in a place I am not... I guess its the idea of practice makes perfect. I don't think what I am trying to convey is the a person or I should not strive to obtain new things... Instead I am wondering if I should BE happy where I am and practice and perfect that art.. 

Even when its the darkest you can choose to step into the light.

I was watching Fringe which I stopped watching and now have adventured into again and I heard this phrase.

"even when its the darkest you can choose to step into the light." Or something close to that.... Even in my darkest moments I want to know that I have a choice to step into and search for the light.

I spoke to my step-sister last night. We have an on again off again relationship. My mother was married to her father and that ended in a divorce. Through the years we have ran into each other, spoken then lagged in our contact. She is a Jehovah Witness  and was married about 6 years ago. She recently left her husband and after 2 children they are divorcing. I do not pry and I do not ask to many question because truthfully we are not that close. But I am saddened to see her marriage has broken down to the point of a divorce.

But talking to her last night I learned some interesting things.

What I seem to find is that the Christian religion and its spin offs seem to SAY it discourages divorce but doesn't have those same actions in practice. While on the other hand the Islamic faith also discourages divorce but accepts it as a normal practice and it is spoken of in the Quran. With my Christian upbringing and experiences I have a serious aversion to divorce in the case of my marriage. I have not figured out what or why exactly I am standing so strongly but I am. Instead of just falling into the darkness of divorce I am instead choosing to step into the light of faith. Believing that ANYTHING is possible.

My sister and I talked last night and I was happy to support her in her choice to dissolve her marriage and she was happy to support me in my stand for mine. I think that was really standing in the light. Standing for what I believed while not standing in the way of others beliefs.

O is for Overjoyed

Overjoyed

1. to cause to feel great joy or delight; elate

I will think that I am filled to overjoyed because that is what I want to feel.  My thoughts become my actions. I need to control my thoughts instead of my thoughts controlling me. My life is about a serious faith walk.  Right now I am battling walking in faith instead of falling into the circumstances I am faced with. Its so easy to just lay down and give up or give in. I have a greater understanding of why and HOW people just walk away one day and never come back. Why and how a person could end up on drugs and losing everything. How and even why a person ends up in jail or prison. Faced with financial, emotional, material, and family stressors a person could get loss in the pain of the circumstances. Instead I am choosing OVERJOYED because I am NOT in jail, I am not in a mental hospital, I am employed, I do have a home (right now), I am in great health, my children are physically healthy, I have a loving GOD. I am going to not only overcome this challenge I am going to be overjoyed in the experiences of right now as I traverse into the future. 

I have a choice and I am CHOOSING overjoyed!

N is for Night

I had a hard night last night. I woke up out of my sleep with a nightmare of some sort. I woke my brother screaming... I woke my mother screaming... I am stressed, worried, anxious, nervous, scared, restless, uneasy, and troubled... I am sure you get the idea.. I have a LOT going on in my world.. I am going to be moving because the house is up for short sale we are separated, my children are just a few things. 

I recently had a death in my family that came unexpectedly and violently. I am bulking under the burden of life right now and I realized that I was struggling when last night I awoke from my sleep screaming. I need help. My thoughts are overwhelmed with the what ifs. I set up an appointment today. I am in no way suicidal but I am sad very sad. 

There is nothing wrong with asking and receiving help. I am so glad that there is someone there to help.

Wish list

When I was a kid catalogs use to come to the house. JC Penny, Montgomery Wards, Macy's, and Sear's to name a few. We would sit down with a pen or pencil and mark up the pages with the things that we would put into our house. Once a pages was marked it was ours and no one else could have it. We would start at the beginning and work our way to the end. Clothing, home furnishings, dishes, baby items and bathroom accessaries. The book would keep out attention for weeks. We would go back and negotiate for items, plan and re plan, find items we missed in our excitement the first 10 times through.

I miss those days of wonder. The days when I was young and believed that ANYTHING was possible. And then recently it happened again. I saw an Ikea catalog, and I thought about being a little girl... But this time it is different. This time I am starting over and I do need things.

When my husband and I separated I left our home to go to my moms. My husband moved into a new home and our home was broken into and damaged. OK it was TRASHED! My home was filled with homeless people, they took our front door, and anything of value. What was not of value was destroyed. I was left with nothing but the few items I had taken when I left. Everything else was lost..

When I made the decision to return to my home I was asked did I want to go through the things that were left to see if I could salvage anything... I declined. I did not look back. EVERYthing was removed. And I felt that in time I would be able to start anew.

And that takes me back to the Ikea catalog. I saw it and remembered what it felt like to dream and make a wish list... I sat down with a pen and marker and I wished... I circled and highlighted. I ooowwwedddd and awwwweeeddd. I felt like a kid in a ice cream shop, and it was wonderful.

I found hope again,  excitement, and joy. YES I have nothing but that is a great thing because NOW I can have something NEW!!!