M is for Monumental

Monumental is defined as

1. Resembling a monument; massive or imposing.
2. Exceptionally great, as in quality, quality, extent, or degree.
3. Of historical or enduring significance.
4. Having the quality of being larger than life; of heroic scale.

When I reflect over the experiences if my life thus far I have to be honest and say there are a few monumental moments I have experienced. For good or not so good those events have buried into my mind and are etched into my spirit for all times

The birth of each of my child.
The first date I shared with my husband.
Our marriage/ wedding day.
Our first home purchase.
The deaths of my greatgrand mother, grandmother, 2 of my aunts, and my cousin.
The day I was confronted with my affair.
The days I graduated from undergrad and grad school.
Completion of my thesis.
The day my husbands affair was confirmed.
The day I separated from my husband.
The day I stood and reclaimed my marriage.

At the time of each of these events I had some similar feels some very different feels, but either way they stayed with me. What I am learning is although all of those moments were monumental they are about perception. I can choose to look back on them with happiness, sadness, acceptance, regret, or as learning experiences. Life is a monumental event for me.

" We have no right to ask when a sarrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way."

L is for Lemon curd

Yes Lemon Curd! If you have never had the pleasure PLEASE do!

I have made lemon tarts. I am not a chocolate gal.. But I do like goodies

Lemon curd whipped in with whipping cream! Pipped into a tart shell! OHMYgoodness!

K is for Kindness

Kindness

How many times do I forget this action? Kindness is hard to keep up when a person is making you mad! LOL

We have kindness towards our kids, our friends, our co-workers, our bosses. But when it comes to our spouses we forget kindness when feel we are wronged or even justified.

Kindness is a thing I am working on, REALLY hard and diligently. I have found in recent times it is HARD to be kind to a person when they are being LESS then kind to you..

But I am finding that KINDNESS is not a privilege... it should be a given. We should extend kindness to our families, children, and spouses. We do it for co-workers and strangers...

I am working on it!

I am trying to remember a saying I heard in the past
" we often judge others based on their ACTIONS while we judge ourselves on our INTENTIONS" what would happen if we gave the kindness we extend to our selves to the ones that we love?

“Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair but manifestations of strength and resolution”

Kahlil Gibran

J is for ME!!!

The first letter of my name is J so this will be a getting to know me!!!

1. I am a woman
2. I am a wife
3. I am a sister
4. I am a mother
5. I have 3 kids I carried in my womb and birthed
6. I have 3 more kids I carry in my heart that I loved and nurture from marriage
7. I am 5'2
8. That makes me short
9. I can't sing
10. But I hum
11. I am a Passion Party Consultant 
12. I think in songs
13. My son and I went to dinner last night and the sushi chef that I was his sister
14. I guess I look young
15. I am 33
16. I know ASL
17. I don't know what 33 feels like
18. I don't make friends easily
19. I have a bachelors degree in Social Work
20. I cant spell
21. I spell phonetically instead of grammatically
22. Spell check is my friend
23. I wear contacts
24. I want to get Lasik but I am SCARED out of my wits
25. I am claustrophobic
26. I use to be a SAHM
27. I have 1 daughter
28. I have momma guilt for working full time
29. I want to be a SAHM again desperately
30. I drive a blue car
31. We call the car blue thunder
32. I drive a stick
33. I have 3 siblings
34. I am the eldest child
35. I really like to cook
36. I would go out to eat as my first choice of entertainment
37. I don't drink soda often.. ok rarely
38. I use to drink Pepsi over Coke
39. I say Soda not Pop
40. I have a country girl accent but I grew up no in the country
41. My dad was in the Air force
42. I LOVE to travel
43. I wear Marc Jacob, Marc Jacob
44. My youngest son is almost 7
45. My eldest son is almost 17
46. My water bottle is purple
47. I don't like chocolate
48. I have been on a cruise
49. I have 2 dogs and 1 cat
50. We have had 12 cats at one time.. LONG story
51. My hair is BIG
52. I like to read
53. Lately I have been listening to audio book because I drive a lot for work
54. My laptop is a MAC
55. I really like Apple products
56. I don't wear makeup
57. I have never broken a bone
58. I have all my teeth
59. I use to curse a LOT
60. Now I curse less often out loud and more on the inside
61. I wont sleep with the bathroom door open
62. I like to keep my feet nice
63. I live in a house
64. I have no decorating sense
65. I believe in GOD
66. I believe there is only 1 GOD
67. My father is the last person in his line of his family
68. I am afraid to die
69. I don't cry often
70. This is my 2nd marriage
71. I can skate
72. I can ride a bike
73. I do not like to swim.. EWW pee-pee water
74. My kids are ALL water babies
75. I like rides! Roller coasters
76. I talk loud
77. I talk a lot
78. I wrote a thesis
79. I have a Masters degree in Social Work
80. I am a life long learner
81. I want to go back to school
82. I am in DEBIT for said education
83. Why does education cost so much!
84. I use to FB but I do not any more.
85. I am very optimistic
86. I really like to read.. did I say that already?
87. I am not shy
88. My son is dating!!!
89. I do not like lima beans
90. I do not like Brussels sprouts
91. I failed spanish
92. I am just learning to floss
93. I like cake over pie
94. I like to ride more then drive
95. I will drive for long distances
96. ENFP (google it and see what you are)
97. I am learning how to teach
98. I would like to teach 
99. I am dedicate to my marriage, husband, children, and family
100. I am Jami nice to meet you!
101. 
     

I is for Innoxious

Innoxious 

1. harmless; innocuous.

that words just sounded nice to me!

H is for Hope

What makes you hope? What gives you the ability to stand strong? Why do you seem so certain?

I get asked those questions often. I have hope. Mostly unwavering, mostly rock solid, mostly fluid and bending, mostly strong. 

I am hopefully optimistic which is the best way for me to describe my stubbornness and tenacity or bull headedness or hard head... But H is the letter so it is HOPE!

G is for Gummy Bear

Gummy bears are at the top of the list of my FAVORITE candies. I am not a chocolate gal.. Never have been so my candy choices have always been limited. But gummy candies including bears have never failed me!

That is all!

Oopps that should have been F is for Farrow

Farrow

1. a litter of pigs.
2. to produce a litter of pigs
3. a litter of piglets

This was just an interesting word!!! Enjoy!

E is for Equity

Equity 

1. the quality of being impartial or reasonable; fairness
2. an impartial or fair act, decision, etc
3. the interest of ordinary shareholders in a company
4. the market value of a debtor's property in excess of all debts to which it is liable
5. the monetary value of a property or business beyond any amounts owed on it in mortgages, claims, liens,

When I saw this word it jumped out at me today. Equity.. I reminded me of the old saying "One man's trash is another mans treasure."  Equity can and does come in many forms, sweat, monetary, physical, mental emotional to name just a few. 

When is the last time that YOU looked at something you once valued and gave it a second glance. I know that I forgot the principle that with time items can either appreciate or depreciate. Appreciation giving an item more equity and value... Our home has lost all its equity per the bank, but in my mind it still holds emotional equity, value. 

My marriage from the outside is BANKRUPT and has no equity to most who look at it. But I know that people have had bonds that they were told were not worth the paper it was written on, to throw it away and cut their losses only years later to find that they ignored that advise only to find a WINDFALL in the change of the market. The equity far exceeded their expectations and provided them with far more then they ever expected or hoped for... (thanks SFM) I believe that the equity of my marriage is POSITIVE. I believe that the market value will be beyond any and all liens that are currently against us... 

It wasent just...

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

It wasent just one moment, one thing, one word or one action that landed me where I am today. Instead it was a series of thoughts that became feelings, that became actions that brought me to this place. I can't pin point the exact moment but I do remember feeling disappointment and a lack of trust played a huge role in the break down of my marriage. I remember making excuses and compromising my principles very early in my marriage to justify my thoughts and feelings.

The quote said it all for me. One day I woke up and realized that I had thought my way into trouble in my marriage. Now I am choosing to THINK my way to success and happiness right back into my marriage.

“Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will continue to act as you have always acted. If you continue to act as you have always acted, you will continue to get what you have always gotten. If you want different results in your life or your work, all you have to do is change your mind.”

Ohhhh I am in TROUBLE!!!!

It has been 5 days sense I followed up on my A-Z posting so I guess I better jump on it today and make up for my lax writing. Opps. I know I know! I committed to a letter a day and have fallen short of the mark but the truth is.. isn't that almost always the case in life. I mean I judge myself on my INTENTIONS not my actions. I mean I INTENDED to do a daily posting with an alphabet as my theme in addition to a daily post about my progress personally... HEHEHEH... Lets just say even with my best intentions hat on I have fallen short... more then once.

This lesson reminds me again and again about forgiveness and guarding of my heart towards my husband, our marriage and the true ability to have restoration and reconciliation. In the past when my husband said he would do something and failed or come up short I tucked it away as a "hurt" as a badge of his failure of not doing what he SAID he would do. I very rarely took into account that SHIT happens and my husband NEVER set out to fail.. I mean really WHO sets out to fail. But what did happen was the weight of my disappointment began to be a heavy burden.. I was told this by my husband but I did not have the ears or heart to hear his words and take action until much later, but never too late.

I ignored my husbands pain because I deemed my hurt BIGGER then his. I mean I was carrying my hurt and pain it was ok to ignore his... right? WRONG!!!! The division of our marriage began with small cracks that with time and more weight deepened into gaping holes that allowed debris to fall upon our marriage and family.  That is not to say that the debris can not be cleared up and the holes mended.. In fact I have the utmost faith that this is EXACTLY what is happening right now. My husband and I have what feels like a ton of waste on the backs of our marriage.

Heres my analogy. Weight loss. Ill take my own personal experiences. I had 80+lbs to loss, yes really! When I  began this journey it was and still is a challenge.  No one could tell from the outside really that any changes were happening in the beginning. In fact I couldn't often tell if anything was happening. I mean I changed my eating habits, ramped up my exercise, stopped drinking soda for the most part, made better choices, stopped eating out so much. I mean we all know the story.. But at first I was frustrated beyond belief!! My scale had the nerve to GO UP!!!!! Then down on a yo-yo expedition for weeks and then it would stall, and worse it was ONLY a pound or 2. I mean I was putting in ALL this hard work denying myself and for WHAT!!! ONLY 1 pound.. PLEASE!!! I threw in my towel more times then I could count and resigned myself to just being fluffy! I mean they had cute clothes for fluffy ladies...

But I kept coming back to the fact that I was not happy with my mess... So I would try again. and again. and again. Until one day I looked up and I had LOST 40lbs and someone NOTICED!!!!!!!!!  Someone who had not seen me in a LONG time said "You look great you have lost a LOT of weight!" and I bout feel over... I mean I knew I had lost some weight.. but I had not realized how much. Once someone mentioned it to me it had to then seep in.. And once it became an idea I had to learn how to adjust to it. Until finally I had to buy new clothes and wear a new size, and look at myself differently.. I mean I am the same ME.. But not the same me...

I still have about 40lbs to lose.. and I am at that point again of NOT seeing any changes.. But I have not given up on my goal. I am in it for the long haul..

The same goes for my marriage... I may not SEE the outwards effects of the work that is being done on the inside but I KNOW that there is work being done.. I know that MY marriage is in the process of a transformation and I Know that it will be a NEW marriage but the same marriage. I know that in the end GODs best for me is my husband, my family and my children together. Sure there are days when I revert into sadness, anger, shame, pain, mourning and wallowing.. But I pick myself back up in time and keep up the faith... I hope you can do the same!

Day 4.. In the dark

Yesterday was my first challenge in hiding. My husband text me because as he stated " this was stupid, took to long, and was not needed". I ignored his text. He then text me again stating that he had done what I had asked... I ignored his text.. When that did not elicit any response he then stated that he was doing something else....

It took everything in me to delete each of those message. To neither respond in words OR actions was challenging as well. Sure I did not SAY anything but if I reacted to his texts that is still a response. That was a very hard choice for me. I wanted to give in like I always do but if I want to elicit change then I have to show change.

I am not mad at my husband but what we have been doing is NOT working and I can no longer enable, encourage, no support his actions. I have to remove myself from him as much as possible and extremely limit our contact. Its amazing that he has asked me to discontinue being his wife because he has moved on and is in a relationship. I am giving him what he has asked for, but often what we ask for is NOT what we expect nor want.

I have held up an important part of his life and now I am finally able to let it go. It hurts but if I want my marriage to survive I have to do things that I am not use to and pray for and believe in restoration and recovery. This is only day 4 I pray for no more days but I have to be honest and say I dont know how and I dont know when but I do KNOW that it will be done.

E is for Encourage

Encourage 

1. to inspire with courage, spirit, or confidence
2. to promote, advance, or foster
3. to stimulate (something or someone to do something) by approval or help; support

I am encouraged daily to strive to obtain those things that are of value to me. I have been encouraged to strive beyond my imagination. Educational goals, parenthood, and now my marriage. 

When I found out about my husbands affair my first thought was our marriage is OVER. I was devastated and bewildered. I was pregnant and in my last year of graduate school. It felt like my life was falling apart, In a way it was. But I have sense learned that sometimes old things have to fall apart to encourage the growth of new things.

My marriage was damaged and in trouble way before my husband had his affair. I had an affair over a year before that so looking back... really I am not surprised he had one too. I was instead surprised that the affair had taken the turn it had that lead to his desire to leave our family and in the end me. 

In the past 14 months of our separation an LOT of things have happened. But one of the most exciting things is that I have been encouraged to love despite my pain, grow despite my fear, believe despite what I see, and hold on to what I know has VALUE despite what anyone else my see, think, or say.

I am encouraged to find a better relationship with my self and to know me in ways I never knew before. I am encouraged to love and pray, believe and hold on to the thing that I committed my life to , my husband, our marriage and in extension our family. 

This is NOT easy, I am NO saint, I am angry, frustrated, hurt, disappointed, discouraged and often ready to give up.. But always without fail around the corner comes some form of ENCOURAGEMENT that allows me to stand ONE more day... 

D is for Distraction

Distraction 

1. something that serves as a diversion or entertainment
2. an interruption; an obstacle to concentration
3. mental turmoil or madness
4. A condition or state of mind in which the attention is diverted from an original focus or interest.

I am often Distracted! I am wife, mother, employe, teacher in training, sister, daughter, friend, supporter, life long learner, blog reader and now a blog writer to name just a few things... I mean even just now while I am trying to writer this post Lady Bug (aka Our 1 year old daughter) has distracted me with her desire to drink from my water bottle, almost falling off the bed in her attempt to connivence me she MUST have said water bottle, she then did her famous throw her body onto my arm and face so that I would have to stop typing and pay attention to her.. I have taught her to use some basic signs, "Please, eat, milk, thank you" she can also shake her head yes and no appropriately. Let me remind you that said child is just 13 months old lol and has been able to communicator her basic needs for the past 4+ months. It helps immensely but she can be a distraction lol. She is only 1 and her needs when they occur to her need immediate attention in her mind. 

I am often distracted by my own thoughts. I mean I do juggle Many things like most folks, and what should be a down town is often only a way for my thoughts to run rapid without the distractions of the rest of the day. 

I have found that as I look though my marriage experiences, hind site is 20/20, and I can see how I became distracted with life, anger, opinions of others, hurts, disappointments, delays, frustrations, regrets. Some how those distractions and many many more obscured my first goal which was to love my husband and protect and nature our marriage. 

A distraction can lead to a delay or even a derailment.. But I know that I have the desire to succeed. I am not disillusioned I am DETERMINED!! 

C is for Compunction

Compunction:

1. a feeling of uneasiness or anxiety of the conscience caused by regret for doing wrong or causing pain; contrition;remorse. 
2. any uneasiness or hesitation about the rightness of an action.

I was looking for a C word today and many words fell out of my mind,

1. Compassion
2. Comfort
3. Confused
4. Compromise
5. Contradiction

You get the picture. MY mind is in a place of transition and I was not sure what word to choose. Then I saw compunction and it fit. Compunction is a word that I can not ever remember running into in the pass yet where I am right now is explained really well by this word. I am not speaking to my spouse. That is such a hard place to be in. I am choosing to "hide myself" from him and his actions by interacting with him little to NONE. I have a 3rd party to ferret emails between us to communicate about out children and "life" needs. Our home is currently being sold.. (thats another post) and I could not stand by and immerse myself in the life he is choosing to live in. His affair is taking to much of my thinking space and I needed to get as far away as I could. Physically I have chosen to stay in the area but my emotions and my mind do not have to participate in this mess.

There are days when I am feeling uneasiness and a huge hesitation regarding my actions, in actions, reactions. I want to "make it all better'" when really this is not possible at this point.

I am praying for and working towards patience and confidence! I KNOW that GOD has a plan and in that plan is his VERY best for me, our marriage, our children, our family as a whole. Where I am IS not GOD's best so I know that this is not my final place.